Ryan O’Callaghan had been out for only a couple of months after he was requested to contribute to’Note to Self’on a few of America morning TV shows.
Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Joe Biden and Kermit the Frog are only a couple of the famous names voicing and writing letters of advice to younger versions of these.
Speaking straight to cam, O’Callaghan connects. He performed for the Kansas City Chiefs and the New England Patriots, however, there is no talk of glory times. Just the ability is a boon in itself. After CBS This Morning co-host Gayle King composed her foreword of’Note to self’ letters, O’Callaghan was said by her specifically. “It is not simple to pick a favourite, but I keep going back to Ryan’s letter over and over. No one would ever look at that burly, tobacco-chewing NFL lineman and suspect that he felt broken and alone so ashamed of being gay that he’d even started planning his suicide.”
O’Callaghan says that his self-worth was as low as could be “if you’re gay, you’re as good as dead,” he recalls thinking at his profession peak in 2006 and 2007, the year that the Patriots went undefeated in the regular year – which makes it hard to equate that anguished, closeted soccer player from a decade or so ago with all the assured, confident figure of now. As a storyteller , expectations readily shatter, although he is not inscrutable. It’s among the reasons why he felt compelled to compose’My Life On The Line’, his autobiography released.
“I have had the capability to change a lot of remarks,” he informs Sky Sports, talking from his home state of California. On the book’s cover, a perspiration O’Callaghan stands a 6ft 7in, at a Pats jersey , 22-stone right handle constructed to guard quarterbacks – the archetypal macho guy, but one with a careful look at his eyes. In the memoir, he explains the roots of the fear that gripped him as a boyhow he was propelled by his physicality into soccer, why he held his cupboard door shut, if the downhill spiral struck, and what saved him.
Composed with Cyd Zeigler, the author and co-founder of this influential LGBTQ sports site Outsports, the book begins with O’Callaghan outlining the origins of his anxieties – the regular homophobia and hypermasculine civilization that abounded because he climbed up in conservative Redding, over 200 kilometers north of gay-friendly San Francisco. He decided that his secret must never be found out by his family or he would be a disappointment. He lays out a play-by-play of his own strategy to hide in the sight of football, creating hope but also suspense via his sometimes and frank heart-breaking reflections on the spirit-crushing price of self-avoidance with the reader.
He truly knows himself, O’Callaghan can explain where some of the issues lie in surroundings like team sports for a lot of homosexual and bisexual guys. “One guy said that I’m the most palatable gay man they have ever met. That’s far from an appropriate point to say – but I understand where he is coming out of.
“When it requires someone meeting a man like me, who takes himself in a specific way, to sort of open up their eyes, then that’s fine. But I’d also like to figure out that men like me, that are large and manly, also have it simple from the world. There’s a lot of couples who can not walk down the road with their boyfriend holding hands without even getting something screamed from a vehicle driving . It would take someone with a lot of courage and, very honestly, stupidity to mouth me off like this.”
The physicality of o’Callaghan was part of his defense. At the University of California, he spent his time”keeping up appearances” – placing on unnecessary burden, wearing the baggiest clothes he could find, trying to repel girls while his buddies and team-mates sought their company. Yet the most important part of the disguise was that the sport. “Football was my cover to being homosexual,” he says. “A lot of people do things to hide that, like dating a girl – but I only have zero attraction to women whatsoever. I don’t have. I can not figure it out for the life span of me.”
He titles that chapter’The Beard’ – slang for something which gives a cloak of heterosexuality. “I was not sure enough that I would do a excellent enough job deceiving a woman that I was straight. I believed that could blow my cover, so that’s why I chose football.”
By suggesting that camouflage like his isn’t unusual in the NFL today, following one interview, additional headlines were generated by O’Callaghan. “There’s a very higher likelihood that one man on every team is homosexual or bi. I left that comment with a little expertise because I have had men come to me. But basic statistics will state that too.” He is unsure whether the vast majority of football fans are surprised by this, or if it makes for an eye-catching headline. “Everybody responds differently, but there are still a lot of individuals who do not understand that gay people come in all sizes, shapes, forms… not everybody’s a stereotype. In fact most gay guys are not exactly the stereotype.”
His own commitment to conformity, or what was considered to be’ordinary’ (“the following word I am not a big fan of”), nearly broke O’Callaghan. A severe shoulder injury forced him to miss the whole 2008 season and having already made a pact with himself, his need to remain in the NFL turned into a matter of death and life. Back in 2009, he also joined the Chiefs and never using first started handling pain with bud back into his Cal days – he writes of how”it dulled lots of the aches and pains… it made my entire body feel great in ways the Vicodin just disguised” – he knew he had been running the risk of discovery from the drug testers. They got him 2010. Not long after, he sustained a partially torn groin and became determined by prescription drugs.
Patriots legend Rob Gronkowski has just spoken in favour of relaxing the NFL rules on weed and CBD petroleum jelly. But even though 11 US states have legalised marijuana for medical and recreational functions, O’Callaghan isn’t expecting change to come shortly. “They are in a difficult spot in regards to cannabis usage, despite the fact that there are a number of countries where there are teams in which it’s legal.
“The NFL can do what they want, but it could be difficult for them to simply say’yes, even if you play to get a California or Colorado staff, or whoever else where it is legal, you can smoke marijuana’. You attempt to get policies that are blanket across the whole league as who knows if this may entice a group to be chosen by some guys over the other simply as they can legally smoke marijuana?
“It’s no secret that a lot of athletes smoke marijuana. However, to do it and have it? I believe that is still some time off, and will have to be directly linked to federal laws.”
O’Callaghan became addicted to the approved narcotics of the NFL. “I am taking an absurd quantity of painkillers, up to 30 tablets of different advantages,” he lists from the book. Seven years after, he worries other footballers could be heading down a similar road. “There is still the identical pressure to have the ability to practice, and perform on Sundays. Management is always looking for somebody who’s a bit more affordable, or even younger, and if you’re not practicing and playing, you don’t have value.
“So guys will do what they need to do. I really don’t know whether the amount of painkillers they prescribe has changed or not because I playedbut I guess realistically I can say that men are still becoming prescribed exactly what they want or want.”
The results of O’Callaghan’s addiction were bills running to tens of thousands of bucks (he hardly saved some money for his retirement, as he didn’t expect to be about to spend it) and the exacerbation of his complicated mental health problems. He has no NFL passion now as it was only ever a means to an end; sports in hold appeal because of him, but he admits to an inkling of interest in NASCAR. Yet he retains great esteem for football, what it takes to be a team that is successful, and the devotion.
Gronkowski, who retired with won other accolades and three Super Bowl rings, is just one such player. “He is a tremendous athlete,” says O’Callaghan, who abandoned New England the year before Gronkowski was drafted. “I am familiar with the injuries he has had to deal with, the concussions and everything else.” He’s sympathy overly for Andrew Luck, that stop the Indianapolis Colts mentioning the cycle of rehabilitation and accidents. Luck is only six months older than’Gronk’, also O’Callaghan was a similar era if his career ended. “I can not blame someone for wanting to be able to play with their kids when they are 50 years old. It is not a selfish move whatsoever to look out for yourself. You have got to, since no one else will.”
O’Callaghan has found his voice through finding his own sense of self and the NFL is listening. Commissioner Roger Goodell asked him directly for advice on how to support players, and the answer encourages O’Callaghan. “You can not go and just tap on these players on the trunk, so I explained how being visibly supportive assists – and at the last two years, the NFL have experienced floats at the New York Pride parade. This yearthey actually sponsored the parade itself, and also on top of the float, they had me around the NFL Network to really talk about it. In the past, they’ve only done things beneath the radar and quietly. But today they’re performing more in the public eye, and that’s only going to help.”
He is also hugely grateful to the Patriots multi-billionaire owner Robert Kraft, who has contributed”a generous donation” into the new Ryan O’Callaghan Foundation which will provide scholarships and mentorship to LGBT+ pupils, mostly athletes. O’Callaghan says every dollar brought in from’My Life On The Line’, speeches and personal appearances will go in the finance, but it will take more than money to create a culture in which everyone can flourish through authenticity. “You can not just write a check and say decent luck. I’d rather have a few people that we really see, link up with, and mentor – to help them along the way – rather than simply financially.” He simplifies the job of the You Can Play Project, first established in the NHL where each team might like to see more collaboration in the sport activism sector in general, and has a participant ambassador to lead on addition in 2012.
The morning talk shows and O’Callaghan has been contributed a platform to inspire young LGBTQ athletes and also to reach others also by media chances. He’s also been invited onto networks to talk about absolutely free agent Ryan Russell coming out as bisexual. He’s wise to the range of opinions and responses he cites that there was likewise an assortment of perspectives around the quarterback’s reasons for quitting and the timing of the retirement of Luck. “Fans are not necessarily considering the participant as someone. They’ve got to realise that we’re all people and everyone’s going through something”
O’Callaghan thinks nothing short of a beloved one telling him’it is OK to be homosexual’ could have been sufficient to stop him from being closeted, and for anything else that went with that adventure to be avoided by him. Nevertheless, if people are indifferent, does this have an impact? “Well, there’s the’who cares?’ Response such as,’who actually cares, we adore you way’. But then there is the”who cares, it is not a huge deal, I don’t care about your private life’ response.
“For those individuals, they’re the ones it is more important to achieve since they can find something about the fight for equality that still exists.”
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